the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
