First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
