Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
