What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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