I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
