benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
