i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
