new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
