Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
