he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
