dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
