hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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