nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
