what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
