**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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