At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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