remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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