I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well you can't waste a boner
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
