I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
