She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
