apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
