why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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