i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
