my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
