I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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