First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
