I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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