Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We left an ass print on the piano.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
