i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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