I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
