I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
