I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
