whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
