Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
