I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
