it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
