Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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