Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
