would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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