My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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