So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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