Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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