A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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