Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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