I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
