Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The adults are the big ones right?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
