Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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