I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
