I'm pants shitting drunk right now
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
