I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
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I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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