yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Randomize
