I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
