when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hippo gnu deer
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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