You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
