i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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