Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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