Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
