well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
