mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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