And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
