I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
