I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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