barbara walters just said penis...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he had hair everywhere except his balls
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
