if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
