I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
