nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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