I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
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I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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