Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She bit a glass in half.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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