guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
