Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
