I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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