I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
