hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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